An Unplanned Pregnancy and Its 5 Hard Truths

6 months, guys! 6 months! It was 6 months of dating this Portuguese guy I met in college that I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy at 19.

If it wasn’t for him smelling so good and his Bruce Lee abdominal muscles, I probably wouldn’t have had that micro-magnetic pull (the act of coitus) that literally changed the course of my life.

It was the end of September when my family doctor (who sucked, btw but who’s asking) took me to a room and closed the door to tell me I was pregnant. 

You know how life flashes before your eyes when experiencing a NEAR-DEATH experience? Yup. Sudden sparks of “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” episodes flashed before my eyes when this lady basically told me that I screwed up my life with this unplanned pregnancy…and now my parents are going to kill me.

Is that considered a near-death experience? Yes girl, yes it was. If anything, it’s probably SO much worse. Telling your Asian parents that you are now with-child at 19 – DEATH times 11.

In my situation, we just didn’t use…anything, and to be honest, I didn’t want to pay for birth control

The reality check of an unplanned pregnancy

I remember walking home IN THE RAIN (like how convenient to add to the misery). My jacket didn’t have a hood and it literally felt like a commercial for birth control. “Prevent an unplanned pregnancy so you don’t end up like THIS girl walking home in the rain… or else you’ll DIE”.

I called my best friend at the time and we both didn’t know what to do or say. We made the exact same face you’re making right now. Confused and didn’t know where this was going.

If you’re reading this because you, your girlfriend, daughter, wife, or friend is going through an unplanned pregnancy, take it from me. My story started off with a disaster and you and I, are officially besties because you’re not alone in this. Since I know what it’s like, we have to make sure you’re ready to ease into this uphill battle.

What is an unplanned pregnancy?

Let me just go old school on you and say what we’re all thinking. An unplanned pregnancy or an unintended pregnancy is getting pregnant by accident. Whoops. It wasn’t in our plans yet, surprise! Look at us living young, wild, and free, we forgot to use contraceptives or somehow didn’t use them “properly”.

(By the way, children are blessings, always remember that)

How does an unplanned pregnancy happen?

I called Daniel (the Portuguese guy I was telling you about who lured me in with his dang scent and who I was only dating for 6 months. Yeah, him). He didn’t say much either aside from “that explains the ‘emotions’”. Um, excuse you, Dr. Phil?

He was 18…that’s all I gotta say.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “45% of pregancies amongst women were unintended”, the majority being from young women (CDC, 2021).

Heck, there are shows all about it and so it’s pretty safe to say that it’s pretty common occurance of a young woman going through an unplanned pregnancy.

In my situation, we just didn’t use…anything, and to be honest, I didn’t want to pay for birth control. I was in college paying for my own tuition and expenses and trusted that the “…method” we were doing was “good enough”.

You can also hear stories of those who said their condom broke or had a mishap with their birth control.

I knew people who took Plan B too late or those who just did not have proper education about sex. There are also unfortunate situations in regards to consent.

The common causes of an unplanned pregnancy

1) Expense of contraceptives

2) Failed contraceptives

3) Not knowing that there are, or how to properly use, emergency contraceptives (ie., Plan B)

4) Lack of sex education

5) No access to contraceptives

6) No consent

These reasons are most likely the cause of an unplanned and unintended pregnancy. We have to reframe the use of the typical reasons of: “they/we were young and stupid” and translate it to one of these above reasons, which are all valid reasons. We need to look at these gaps and see there’s a bigger problem to this before we pass harsh judgment.

5 Harsh Truths After Finding Out You Got Pregnant By Accident

So now we’re here. We can no longer change the past on how we could have prevented this pregnancy so let’s go through some harsh realities.

Truth 1 of an unplanned pregnancy: there are options and you don’t have to continue the pregnancy

At that moment, I was sitting on my bedroom floor with wet hair, crying with my head on a step stool, listening to Maxwell. I was set on having an abortion. It was a must. It was going to be fine. I knew people who took that option and though I felt like I was backed up into a wall, I knew an unplanned pregnancy at a very young age would affect my family.

This way, I wouldn’t have to tell my parents. I’ll have my life back, it’ll be fine. 

When I told Daniel about it, this guy freaked out; thinking to myself, “are you THAT ‘pro-life’ and religious, or are you just trying to trap my ass??” 

I remember arguing with him about it at the subway station where I managed to lose him amongst the crowds of people during rush hour and him scaverging around to find me. I escaped! But just for that day out of many.

What makes this a hard truth, is that the topic of abortion is like that “elephant in the room”. We know it’s there but it’s hard to talk about and depending on where you live, it is most likely legal, and in Canada, it can be covered under OHIP.

We also have adoption which is a beautiful route to take as well.

Just keep in mind that the choice is always yours. if you really aren’t ready, we can consider these other options but just remember that there can be emotional components to this experience that may affect you. Definitely do your research and talk to a trusted person when you go through it.

Truth 2 of an unplanned pregnancy: you’ll feel a lot of pressure

I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind. What about school? What about money? If I kept the baby, there would be so much pressure to prove that I could handle it, especially if I was given no support or help with a pregnancy that went unplanned.

I remember being in class when I received a text from my sister. She had just accepted a modeling contract for 3 months in South Africa and she messaged me to ask if I was free for lunch. I really didn’t want to go anywhere and would have rejected (if I wasn’t all pregnant and you know, “craving”). She pleaded and wanted to talk about her trip coming up.

We met up and it was that moment when my sister pulled me back down from my thoughts and fears and subtly told me that she was there for me. All she had to say was “I know.” 

It took less than a second for us to start crying. Ahhhh, why is it always me who keeps the family on their toes?

Okay, but…

The very back, baaack part of my head though, was like, this guy – Portuguese guy – told my sister! Like, he told on me. This weighed heavier on my shoulders however, she was thankful that he told her so that I could be supported in making an informed decision about something this big. 

My sister and I, along with my brother who came shortly, talked about everything; what we would do, how we can do this, and the final step in just… telling our parents.

The part where you have to tell your parents or partner is the most gut-wrenching experience. Not only do you put pressure on yourself but also you may have those who might steer your mind in many other directions when considering what to do with your unplanned pregnancy.

I had to finish college and hustle with my part-time job to make money for myself.

Truth 3 of an unplanned pregnancy: it will affect relationships that may disappoint people

My parents and I always had an interesting relationship. They were immigrant, Filipino parents that left their lives and careers to come to Canada with three children. They always meant well but boomer parenting itself was always so different than now. There was always a level of shame among millennial children not “doing the right thing”. In my case, getting pregnant with a guy they didn’t really know wasn’t a good look. It was awkward and just to keep this section short, they were far from happy. My mom was so stressed she ended up vomiting and my dad couldn’t look at me.

My sister was with us and my brother was on Skype. They were good mediators that tried to put some logic into the situation. So, thank goodness for older siblings!

Long story short, it was the drama and pivotal moment that made a rift in a “picture perfect” family. They were angry at me and angry at that dang Portuguese guy. Angry that people would find out and face the embarrassment of their youngest daughter with an unplanned pregnancy. The whole thing. 

Both Daniel and I stayed away from each other’s houses and families because it was just way too awkward.

Truth 4 of an unplanned pregnancy: you have to give in, even when you’re not ready to

We all know that having a child comes with immense responsibility and anyone who went through it will tell you that you have to grow up fast.

The reason why this is a hard truth is that (especially when you’re young) it’s only natural to be super stubborn. And when a pregnancy is unplanned, you sometimes have to give in and surrender a lot for your own sanity. OR you can “fight” and add some grey hairs along the way.

In my case, I had to bite my tongue a lot, especially with Daniel who wholeheartedly wanted to give his opinion. Then there was the involvement of both families and what they thought.

You also have to consider the future and what you have to sacrifice or accomplish at “full speed”. I had to finish college and hustle with my part-time job to make money for myself.

Once you get that news from the doctor, you have to do the work to support yourself and your child even when you’re not ready to and whether you like it or not. It is no longer about yourself anymore but for your family now and personally, it was really hard to be mature and be the bigger person.

Truth 5 of an unplanned pregnancy: you’re stuck with that guy

This is also a given and this is a lot harder when you’re a girl who got pregnant young because truthfully, those are less likely to last. It’s not only the guy that you have to deal with but what comes with him – his family too. And because you’re young, there will be many adults that can overstep and try to control this journey of yours.

As you grow and see your beautiful child grow, so will their father who you will now have to consider for a very long time. It can take many years to finally find a middle ground where the both of you can get along and make mature decisions that are best for the child and less about your pride and ego.

Luckily for me, Daniel and I are still together and doing great. However, it took us YEARS to work on our relationship and be the family I prayed for. We were young when we had Audrina so those years of sacrificing living apart and working hard to make money did pay off but nowhere near easy. Again, whether you like it or not, you have to bite your tongue to make things work out and let patience be the virtue.

Conclusion

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that baby you chose to be a parent to was meant to change your life in a direction that it was meant to go in… and it can be an absolutely beautiful path if you make the best out of the situation.

Definitely, communicate any concerns to a trusted person or community and exercise your co-parenting relationship with your partner in a way that best provides for the child. There is so much science behind a happy mother and her environment that is insurmountable to their baby’s health so be sure to create that space that works with you and not against you.

If you would like to reach out to me, you can give me a comment on this article or private message me on Instagram @therichparent.com

Content source: Division of Reproductive Health, National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion (2021)